Make a list of 5 things you’re afraid to write about

A Cube.

Make a list of 5 things you’re afraid to write about.

Oh my…haha. What an ironic and challenging prompt we have here. I guess I’ll make a list. Not in any sort of order.

1. My boyfriend, my love life, that kind of stuff. Which is weird in a way because most of the times that’s all I want to write about. But I hate people who just post day after day saying essentially the same things regarding their romantic life over and over and over again. I do it all the time in my personal journals, and I’m always afraid to become that person to the public, I guess. So I try to limit myself, although it’s an extremely important part of my life, so it’s a little hard to ignore it completely since…well, it’s there, and this is a personal blog. If you don’t like it, don’t read it I guess. Or yell at me about it if I start doing it too much ><
2. My “OCD tendency”. I have one. I bite the skin off my fingers. I’ve been told it looks like several things: burns, chemical burns, dry skin, scabs or open wounds…but it’s really none of those. Maybe open-ish wounds. I’ve been doing it since I was incredibly young (and I honestly don’t know how the hell I started), and it warped from a nervous habit to a habit and then to an obsession, more or less. Like I have to get the skin off. But I won’t try to explain it because it’s graphic and it’ll probably just raise more questions that only I can really understand the answer to (yes, I know that sounds really pretentious and maybe a little emo, but it’s just one of those feelings you can’t put a finger to). I’ve coped with it in many different ways including chewing gum, playing with silly putty (I made a perfect cube!), wearing gloves, using bandaids, stopping out of willpower. Not of these have really worked for more than a month, if that, and I had kind of given up. When I went to see a psychiatrist about potentially going on anti-depressants for my phobias (eesh, not even going to get into that one), he identified this habit as more than just a habit. I was almost relieved, because now I had a name for it. True, it was a form of self-mutilation, but in a sick way knowing something else was wrong made it a little better (like when you get sick and a diagnosis is good because you can be treated). So basically I’m hoping high dosages of anti-depressants and therapy will help me to improve the condition, or something.
3. My artwork, in a good light. I’m afraid mostly, I think, of becoming one of those art school douchebags who thinks every one of their works is a masterpiece. And I know that I would never even think that internally, but I have to say…sometimes I think what I drew or did was pretty damn good. But then it’s like, if I say it’s really good and people don’t think it is..then I look like an idiot, or a douchebag. But I realize that on the flip side, saying things are bad forces people to view the work with a negative preconception, so ultimately it’s equally as painful. Even though maybe I’m slightly less disappointed (because I’ve essentially expected failure, so when it comes, who cares? Yeah, I’m one of those people). While certainly my captions or comments on posts run along the lines of pseudo-negative comments, I try not to post something with an ‘aaaah it’s so ugly I hate my work!” caption (or similar, haha). Rather, I try to post “Aahhh I haven’t drawn in a while!” or something along the lines of “Quick sketch” or “Yes, I know it’s out of proportion, that’s how I draw”. But I should probably put objective descriptions instead.
4. (I’m pretty open, so this is kinda hard for me to do) My weight. I don’t know why. I don’t even necessarily have a whole lot to write about it, other than the occasionally light-humored comment about eating a shitload and feeling fat or that I can’t find my size or my dress is too big. Why am I afraid of this topic? And this is going to sound horrible…but because I’m skinny. Yeah, please don’t shoot me. But let’s be honest here…I’m about 5’5″ (and 1/4 inch!) and weigh anywhere from 96-100 lbs throughout the day. I think my waist is like a 25 or 26 or something? I don’t know. Pants and dress size, 0-2 depending on where I shop, and 00 if the store has it and it’s not constricting my legs (it’s happened, it sucks). And the thing is, I don’t really seem to gain weight. I’m small-boned, small-shaped, whatever you want to call it, and I just don’t really gain weight. I won’t complain about it. I’m not really anorexic (although I prefer to stay at 100), and I definitely eat my share of fatty foods and unhealthy helpings. But it frustrates me that whenever I mention exercise or wanting to go to a gym or anything like that, I’m automatically told to just shut up. It’s not that I want to get skinnier, though! It’s more that I want to gain some muscle mass, which would actually put some weight -on- me (although college…eesh, I’ve never worked out so much in my life walking up stairs, lugging tables, and moving all my shit). It almost scares me sometimes to be so tiny, because honestly I feel like I’m an easy target. I get lost a lot, and when I get lost walking around, I feel like anyone can see I’d be easy to take advantage of and they would be right. So that petrifies me.
5. People I know in real life and/or know through social networking or internet sites. Admittedly, I occasionally snap and write a bitch-post, but not often at all. I try really hard not to, because logically I know it’ll just bite me in the ass. But sometimes I just don’t give a fuck, you can hate me all you want and it won’t mean a thing to me. But generally I try to avoid, in personal blogs at least, trash talking someone else or putting anything on my post that might warrant drama between us because of something I posted. Certainly I wouldn’t post anything important that will affect them. They should be told by the right people at the right time, not just by a chance stumbling on an article. In light of all of this, I also try to contain myself in terms of the level of controversy I include in my posts. Except politics. I can get pretty angry about that. Or if anyone tries to push their beliefs or political stances etc onto me. Then you’ve messed with the wrong tries-not-to-be-judgmental bitch. But otherwise…I really do try not to be judgmental. Or if I catch myself starting (and let’s be honest, everyone is at some point of their lives, you aren’t all saints of equality and acceptance) I force myself to look at the other side of the argument. I don’t make lists or anything but in my head I acknowledge disagreeing opinions and try to mention them in my argument or whatever. Or say that I personally don’t understand the meaning behind something and ask specific questions to get a better sense. I try to say “I personally” a lot, to emphasize that the things I’m stating are from my own personal opinion and are not meant to offend or insult anyone. If you can say that I’m going to rot in hell because I’m atheist, I’ll tell you that I don’t believe in Hell. Sorry.

~*Side note (for all blog posts): Images I use are chosen from those suggested ones on the right-bottom in edit mode. Cause I’m lazy. And I think some of them are kind of cool.